I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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