then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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