Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
