I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
