some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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