my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
