he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
