i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
