once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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