I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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