My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Please don't give away my fajitas
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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