I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
