my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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