i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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