Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
