Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
