it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
