I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
