It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
