A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
