Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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