shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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