I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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