I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize