remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
