You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
