In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
