I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
