My liver just broke up with me...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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