You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
