I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
