my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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