One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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