How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
