I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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