Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
