Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
