I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
