Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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