Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
