Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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