you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
