totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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