If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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