I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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