I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
