a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
