I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The air taste purple.
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