Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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