He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
