she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
