Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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