I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
