Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
