Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Randomize
