Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize